I was editing a story last night and came across a paragraph that didn’t feel right. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something about it made an alarm go off in my head. I ran it past my wife, who stopped me midway through: “You’re just telling, you’re not showing.”
Of course. But that usually isn’t a problem for me. First, if you don’t know what I am talking about, you need to head to a site such as: Show Don’t Tell
Now we have two ways of looking at show don’t tell. The first is to avoid flat out TELLING the reader the hero is in to sports by SHOWING him perform a run up and fake bowl. Or swing an imaginary bat or racquet. Look around if you don’t believe me; everyone imitates their heroes.
But what if everything is already action? How do you ‘show don’t tell’ action? This is what stumped me. I went to: My Writers Circle to ask for some guidance. A few of us talked it over. What was missing was the ‘heart’. That was what had caught my attention at the beginning. No hear, just action of two people that might as well have been robots for all the emotion they were producing.
Lets look at the scene:
“Jeff grimaced as she let go, his mind already on that flaw in his calculations.
Swanson winked and stepped out. Jeff slid to the floor as the door closed. Swanson was so perfect, but he was powerless while Alice still owned his heart.
He dropped his head to his hands.”
Ok, so it is like this: Jeff does something, Swan does something, Jeff does something else.
Boring!
So how do we make it better?
Well first, it is hard to get a rhythm with Swan interrupting the Jeff action, so we should probably move her to the beginning and get her out of the way so we can concentrate on the thoughts of Jeff.
Now, we have Jeff thinking a lot of “was’s” If you say something was something else, that is telling. So we need to get rid of those pesky was’s.
Next, we need to think about the emotions properly. Jeff is pretty much smitten with Swan, but he isn’t over Alice, the lady who he proposed to but who later walked away. Right now, thoughts of his work is far away. Instead he is going to upset at his own cowardice for not taking his chance with Swan.
So lets take a final look at the scene:
“She let go, winked and stepped out.
He grimaced and slid to the floor. He sighed and his shoulders sagged. Swanson. Perfect. The ache in his heart kept him silent though. Why couldn’t he just forget Alice?
He dropped his head to his hands.”
Well now I havent actually said that Alice owns his heart, but I think it is still pretty clear. You see his reaction to Swan leaving: Defeat. His thoughts are fragmentary, like his mental state: “Swanson. Perfect.”
Well it isn’t perfection, but it’s on the right track. I’ll look at it again on the next edit.
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